physical vs. emotional
Wow... I can't believe it's been weeks since I posted an update.
Well, maybe I can. I feel like there's alot going on with me now, but it's mostly emotional, not physical. And I can't even get my head around some of this stuff, let alone try to share insight. Here's just a blip.
Those first two weeks of June were crazy trying to end the school year and then the kids get out and the next week and 1/2 became even crazier entertaining and playing, kicking off summer vacation. That actually is a perfect lead in for where I'm at.
The physical side is at a ceiling. I'm up and around and off and about doing very low key normal things; grocery shopping, short errands, walking the dog, taking the kids to swim/tennis lessons and watching, finally catching up with friends for dinners... I wander around the house looking at all the things I can't/shouldn't do because it brings on fatigue, dizziness... like working in the flower gardens, vacuming the millions of piles of sand that come in each time the boys fly through the door, putting away the piles and piles of stuff that seem to have accrued now that everyone's home. I really have to resist trying to charge up. A couple of these things a day is ok, lots of them day after day puts me back in bed at 8:30 for twelve hours of sleeping. And that's pretty much where it's going to remain for a little while I guess. So, I'm still adjusting.
The emotional side of where I'm at is the biggest challenge. I'm at a cross roads between a waiting game for the PET in July to find out the pretty important and basic stuff "did this last doozer work? Is the cancer finally gone?" Pretty big thing I think about every day. Then there's the micromanaging stuff that I can't avoid, but can make me go insane like, "is that area swollen? was that like that before or is it new? What's normal?" When, as I'm discovering with the help of my doctors and friends who have survived cancer in their lives is, there's really no such thing as "normal" again.
Physically - I have scars, scar tissue, lung damage, swelling, tingling...that will either never go away or take time to heal.
Emotionally - somehow and in time, I have to come to a place of feeling safe again.
So...I'm just enjoying (ususally :) spending all my time with the boys and with Troy and taking solace that there are so many people out there caring and thinking and praying for the same things as us.
I'll try to keep updates more weekly - enjoy the sun, all!
Pam
posted by Troy @ 9:09 AM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
My dearest Pam,
You running a marathon of waiting. We are all praying and cheering you on. Your openess and compassion have taught us all about the depth of your strength and the loving community that holds you. Feel our love and keep enjoying all the boys in your life.
Love Dev
Pam- keep up the good work.... I can only imagine how tough this has been for you emotionally... just know that I'm praying for you, and that we all know you are kicking this things ass.... please let me know if there is anything i can do for you from VA! Tell the boys I have some basketball gear coming they're way... maybe you should send them down here to stay with me and go to camp for a week, at least tucker would be old enough for that...
Love you!
Pam,
Fabulous post, it's great to see your words and it's a tough place to be when you have to 'hurry up and wait', both for news as well as to regain normalcy and strength.
For all that you have been through, the poking, prodding, treatment, discussion, make the appointments etc etc etc, during the process of treatment it has kept you busy, getting from one logistical piece to the next. With the kids in school, the focus is getting them where they need to be and when, and that puts your mind in a logistical/transactional mode as well. It's not that bad being busy during all of it, as you have had so much to manage, I am sure that you didn't realize how much you didn't have to think of the whole picture in some senses.
So here you are, after the treatment, and you have time to think.... it's important that you know how much people are thinking of you as well, every day, every hour. We know that this has been a diffcult road for you, Troy and the kids, but there is something exceptional about the engagement of your friends, family, medical staff and community of folks who care because they care, and they care because you are a great person who has added meaning in their lives.
You've moved from a stage where you have to physically battle - get adrenalin going - gear up for a treatment - to one where the best way that you get to final recovery is one of rest. That's not your nature, we know, but it's awesome to hear how you are taking on this element just as you did the others - with positiveness, maturity and attitude!
Remember, scars are wounds that have healed, and healing is what you are doing all over, body and soul. We're really proud of you and you have beaten this.
Keep pluggin, P-Poop, we can't wait to see you.
MikeWe
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