physical vs. emotional

Wow... I can't believe it's been weeks since I posted an update.

Well, maybe I can. I feel like there's alot going on with me now, but it's mostly emotional, not physical. And I can't even get my head around some of this stuff, let alone try to share insight. Here's just a blip.

Those first two weeks of June were crazy trying to end the school year and then the kids get out and the next week and 1/2 became even crazier entertaining and playing, kicking off summer vacation. That actually is a perfect lead in for where I'm at.
The physical side is at a ceiling. I'm up and around and off and about doing very low key normal things; grocery shopping, short errands, walking the dog, taking the kids to swim/tennis lessons and watching, finally catching up with friends for dinners... I wander around the house looking at all the things I can't/shouldn't do because it brings on fatigue, dizziness... like working in the flower gardens, vacuming the millions of piles of sand that come in each time the boys fly through the door, putting away the piles and piles of stuff that seem to have accrued now that everyone's home. I really have to resist trying to charge up. A couple of these things a day is ok, lots of them day after day puts me back in bed at 8:30 for twelve hours of sleeping. And that's pretty much where it's going to remain for a little while I guess. So, I'm still adjusting.

The emotional side of where I'm at is the biggest challenge. I'm at a cross roads between a waiting game for the PET in July to find out the pretty important and basic stuff "did this last doozer work? Is the cancer finally gone?" Pretty big thing I think about every day. Then there's the micromanaging stuff that I can't avoid, but can make me go insane like, "is that area swollen? was that like that before or is it new? What's normal?" When, as I'm discovering with the help of my doctors and friends who have survived cancer in their lives is, there's really no such thing as "normal" again.
Physically - I have scars, scar tissue, lung damage, swelling, tingling...that will either never go away or take time to heal.
Emotionally - somehow and in time, I have to come to a place of feeling safe again.

So...I'm just enjoying (ususally :) spending all my time with the boys and with Troy and taking solace that there are so many people out there caring and thinking and praying for the same things as us.
I'll try to keep updates more weekly - enjoy the sun, all!
Pam